Give Me McMuffins or Give Me Death
By: Connor Lenahan
I’m not sure there is a better feeling of accomplishment than being able to wake up and get McDonald’s breakfast. Whether or not we like to admit it, making the journey to the Golden Arches before 10:30 AM is tough. Bed is so comfortable, and you have to look semi presentable, and actually interact with other human beings.
Frankly, I’m shocked I ever go to McDonald’s for those reasons. Who wants to talk to people? I mean really come on now.
Nonetheless, starting the day with a McGriddle is truly spectacular up until about the fourth bite or so. Then you feel like you’re about to die, but the pure euphoria from those maple infused hockey pucks they call buns are so worth it.
That’s what I’m confused about. The breakfast items at McDonald’s are terrific, much better than any other place, so why do you close up shop on breakfast burritos when I’m still off fighting the Martians with Jessica Alba and Chuck Norris in Sleepy Land?
McDonald’s is an incredibly profitable company; in fact a recent Washington Post article that I made up claimed they were worth “like a bajillionty million dollars.” But, to paraphrase Justin Timberlake in The Social Network, “You know what’s better than a bajillionty million dollars? A bajillionty billion dollars.”
You are honestly going to sit here and tell me that this isn’t an insanely profitable idea? Breakfast all day, erry day. It’s not like Krispy Kreme and Dunkin Donuts suddenly stop producing donuts at 10:30 AM. The majority of my donut purchases happen between 9:30 PM and 1:45 AM after all.
How many times have you been sitting watching American Psycho at 2 AM thinking “You know what would hit the spot? Egg McMuffins,” only to be shut down by the clown. Ronald McDonald hates me, and he hates America. I want my midnight McGriddle, Mr. McDonald, if that is your real name.
And of course I’m eating McDonald’s breakfast as I write this, I had to drop my car off for servicing this morning. Hash browns and air conditioning repairs are a devilishly good mix.
There is just something so American about the concept of fast food and especially the drive thru. McDonald’s is one of the most recognizable logos in the entire world. Seriously, anywhere in the world you go, there will be a yellow “M” there as a beacon of hope and a beacon of bacon.
That’s what confuses me about the breakfast. The guiding principle for McDonald’s, and really any fast food place is to provide you with what you want, when you want it. So doesn’t logic dictate that the entire menu should be available all day? Wouldn’t that basically print money for the company? It’s mind boggling that this has yet to be a thing.
Thankfully, Gawker reported a few months ago that there is a possibility of McDonalds opening the delicious floodgates and making mid-day biscuits a reality.
Maybe I’m overreacting; maybe this could be the start of a tasty revolution. Maybe there needs to be one man to stand up to Mayor McCheese and say “Let my pancakes go.” I am that one man.
I am also hungry. Back to my burritos. See you all later.
Connor Lenahan (@ConnorLenahan) is the founder and editor-in-chief of Connorlenahan.com. He is a freshman at Boston University, majoring in journalism.