Wegmans Over Everything
By: Connor Lenahan
I remember being asked repeatedly before heading off to Boston last summer what I would miss most about living in Waverly, PA. It was an interesting question. I gave the same clichéd answers most of my friends gave: friends, family, my dog Candy Bob, being in high school, etc.
Those answers never interested me though. They seemed too obvious. Everyone was going to miss their parents. Everyone was going to miss their friends who were heading to other schools or still in high school. These are just parts of moving away to school.
So I got creative about it. I thought about what I would miss that wasn’t firmly entrenched in Waverly. I considered my favorite things about the area and made sure to revisit them the last three times I was home. There are plenty of staples in my hometown but I finally got to an answer. Despite hitting some heavy contenders I realized I miss Wegmans more than anything.
For starters, if you don’t know what Wegmans is you need to get in your car/boat/plane/teleporter/horse/Razor Scooter whatever and get to one yesterday. Living without visiting a Wegmans is like living without having ever eaten bacon. Similarly, if you’ve never eaten bacon nor have you ever visited Wegmans you are a soulless monster and I’ll see you in hell.
For those of you that have been to Wegmans I know you’re immediately on board with my choice. It’s because Wegmans is life. Buzzfeed published an article last year about Wegmans that was brought to my attention today on Facebook, which inspired this very article. In the Buzzfeed article Wegmans is hyped as heaven on Earth. This is because Wegmans is literally heaven on Earth. It’s a scientific fact.
If you look up “perfection” in the dictionary you’ll find directions to your local Wegmans. Go ahead and try it, I’ll wait. (Waiting) See I told you. That’s just a tiny bit of the power of Wegmans though. The store is a cavalcade of wonder and deliciousness that never ceases to make me happy. At it’s most basic level it’s a supermarket. You go there to buy food. But as with Spongebob’s memorable motive of transport, “it’s not just a boulder, it’s a rock.” Only replace “boulder” with “supermarket” and “rock” with “religious experience.”
This is a legitimate question: Has anyone ever left a Wegmans upset? In October of 2000 I snapped my right femur in the Wegmans play place/child jail in the front of the store and was in a cast for months (Note: This did really happen). Even then I’m 99% sure I was happy because I was in a Wegmans. I’m not really kidding either. That’s how incredible this place is.
Once I got my drivers license I began to venture to the Dickson City Wegmans, the very one where I had obliterated my thigh over a decade earlier, for snacks on a semi-regular basis. The food there is just better. I’m dead serious in saying the best chicken wings I’ve ever had may very well in fact by the wings from Wegmans. There was a two and a half week stretch last summer where I ate in the range of three pounds of their chicken wings total. Zero regrets. In fact, if there were negative number regrets I’d have those.
The singular food item I miss most from home is Wegmans sushi, specifically the spicy shrimp roll. Let me be clear, I’m including my mother’s cooking here. She has not and will never make anything nearly as tasty as those sushi packs. I guarantee she’s not even offended at that. They are transcendent. They’ve been reported to be a cure for just about any disease (Read: “Any disease” meaning “hunger”).
My favorite thing to do in the summer of 2013 because I was/am a nerd would be to go to Wegmans late at night. I’m talking buying the fixin’s for fish sticks after 10:30. I loved being almost alone with the store, able to fully marvel in its glory. Yet Wegmans always had shoppers in it. Even in the middle of the night there were always around ten to seventeen people buying delicacies long after dusk. That’s proof that Wegmans is the greatest destination on the planet. Suck it Rome.
Wegmans was good enough to ward off all challengers to its throne as my most missed place. Burger King had an early lead in September before I found one by venturing into Allston one night craving a Whopper. When I discovered a semi-accessible BK Lounge it was shunned from the list.
Another heavy hitter was Five Guys. I say “heavy” deliberately because I’m relatively certain that I gain a minimum of eight pounds every time I walk into their restaurant. Eating their food packs on an additional infinity calories. That’s the accurate measurement for one of their bugers: infinity calories.
But of course there’s Sheetz, which might get classified as a drug in the near future due to the inevitable addiction that comes with eating their food. Sheetz is the nucleus of Clarks Summit, PA. I’ve lost count of the times that Sheetz trips could double as high school reunions or an after school activity based on how many of members of my graduating class were also buying Slim Jims at that exact moment. But I am of an opinion that will probably transform me into public enemy #1 in my hometown, but I’m done hiding it: Wawa is better than Sheetz. There, I said it. Shorti rolls forever.
Where was I? Oh right, Wegmans is the single greatest place in the Milky Way galaxy and the thing I would pay the largest sum of money to bring to Boston. Sure, Shaw’s is okay, but Wegmans is almost a family member. I love Wegmans, and I miss you. I’ll be back soon. I promise.
Connor Lenahan (@ConnorLenahan) is the founder and editor-in-chief of Connorlenahan.com. He is a freshman at Boston University, majoring in journalism. He can be emailed at firstname.lastname@example.org