America’s Greatest Holiday
By: Connor Lenahan
So here I am poking around the world wide web while distracting my friend Ellen Starnes when I come across the picture above.
“…What,” I silently ask myself.
I tapped Ellen on the shoulder to get her attention. She saw what I saw. This wasn’t a fever dream, nor a mirage; it’s reality.
On April 8th, Ben & Jerry’s will be celebrating Free Cone Day. This is not a drill. Free Ben & Jerry’s is coming in a few days. This is actually happening. I’m not crying, there’s just something in my eye. Why am I flexing in excitement during lecture? Are people staring at me? I don’t care, free ice cream is reason to flex. It’s taking every fiber of my being not to stand up and shout in excitement right now. This is the greatest day in American history. More accurately, April 8th is.
Here’s an updated ranking of holidays for the United States:
1. Free Cone Day
2. (Space left open in respect of Free Cone Day).
3-Infinity. All other holidays.
There is more information on Facebook about the festivities. In the mean time, hug your kids, call your parents, kiss a homeless person, just go crazy. We’ve reached Utopia status. We did it America, we did it.
Connor Lenahan (@ConnorLenahan) is a freshman at Boston University, majoring in journalism. He can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org