The Breakup


By: Connor Lenahan

This was supposed to be quiet, but now it can’t be. Over the past few months I was seeing Olivia Munn. We were trying to hide our relationship from the public eye as she already was the target of every photographer in Hollywood. The last thing she needed was the tabloids to go crazy asking about me, her new boy toy. For me, I was recently coming off another high profile relationship, so I didn’t want to go flaunting my new beau right in Emma Stone’s face. She’s a sweet girl so I didn’t want to hurt her by loudly announcing I had moved on so quickly.

But now I have to. Since November Olivia and I were the hottest couple you didn’t know existed. We dined at Bazaar and Mr. Chow in Los Angeles, spent sunny afternoons on the beach in Malibu, and she even uprooted for a few months to allow me to attend class in Boston. She was flawless. She stole my heart forever.

Or at least I thought she did. Then I logged online today. And I saw this:

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I did a sextuple take. No. She couldn’t. She told me she loved me. How could she possibly cheat on me? Or leave me without telling me?

I called her immediately. She said she loved our time together, but she was tired of having to hide our increasingly serious relationship from the public eye. She needed to feel free. So she went after Aaron Rodgers, quarterback of the Green Bay Packers.

I understood her desire to quit hiding things, but I would have been more than fine going public. I had the ring and everything. We could have made it work. We should have. Why couldn’t she just talk this out with me?

And I mean, what does Rodgers have that I don’t? Excluding millions of dollars, fame, height, muscles, a jaw made of granite, endorsement deals… shit. Okay I can’t compete with that. I can move on. It’ll all be okay. Maybe.

I’ll always love you Sloan Sabbith.

Hey, Jennifer Lawrence, how you doin’?

Connor Lenahan (@ConnorLenahan) is a sophomore at Boston University, majoring in journalism. He can be contacted at