By: Connor Lenahan
Have you ever seen a headline online that was absolute perfection? Like, something so magical that you are praying to you own personal deity that it’s real and not a hoax? Something so funny, so ridiculous, that your life is exponentially better due to this sentence’s existence? I’ve had this happen in the past. Truly, it’s a magic that is far too uncommon for this world. Yet, because of this drought of perfect headlines, it makes the discovery of something as hilariously flawless as “Old Man Yells At Cloud” all the better.
But The Simpsons aren’t real. As undeniably beautiful as that headline is, it’s not a part of our reality.
Don’t worry though. We’ve got one. A few minutes ago I logged onto Gawker, my go to news site, only to find the greatest string of words my bespectacled eyes ever did see.
I didn’t photoshop this. Here’s a link. It’s 100% real. Here’s the link again. I’m shaking. Yes. This is awesome.
To quote Gawker: “This is no myth,” Sergeant Michael O’Hara, a community service officer for the Boston Police Department, told Boston.com. “It’s happening.”
Seriously, there is a tickling bandit on the loose. Just when you thought I reached the maximum level of love for the city of Boston this happens. San Francisco had the Zodiac killer, we have The Tickler.
I think we win.
I’m a fan of chaos in this world. I like when things are crazy. Normalcy is overrated. It really is. Life is more fun when you don’t know what’s going to happen. You know, like having a reportedly 5’8″ African American man break into a house to play “This Little Piggy” with a slumbering sociology major. (UPDATE: Just for clarification, the description of the tickle-assailant is taken directly from the Gawker article linked above.)
I think I love this too much. Probably. All I know is that my summer in Boston just got exponentially more exciting and I have nothing wrong with that.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go weld my window shut and prop my dresser against my door. I’m taking any and all precaution. I have a bad history of joking about things and having them coming back to haunt me here.
Those were posted nine days apart. I learned my lesson. Come and get me Tickler, I’d love to watch you try.
Connor Lenahan (@ConnorLenahan) is a sophomore at Boston University, majoring in journalism.
Greatest Headline of all time was in the NY Post …
“Headless Body Found In Topless Bar ! ”
This was a REAL headline !