Comebacks and Craziness – Week 1
By: Connor Lenahan
Nothing, repeat: nothing, went according to plan this week. People did incredible. People did terribly. There was less than no predicting what would happen. Antonio Brown ghetto stomped the Browns punter. Matt Ryan threw up the highest score by a player by a wide margin. The Bills won a game. Dogs and cats, living together. Mass hysteria.
Let’s take a deep breath and look back on the week that was in the XFL.
Waverly Chargers (1-0) def. Green Bay Blizzard (0-1) 1465-1330
In terms of the most contested rivalries in the league’s history Matt and I are high up on that list. We’re the two winningest teams ever. We always open up the season against each other. Matt talks the most trash of anyone. It’s always amazing. What I didn’t realize until this morning is that I hold a (6-2) record in the opening week against Matt. I had no idea it was this one sided.
I had just about no business winning this game. Before Monday night I trailed Matt 685 to 1015. Then Matt Stafford, my one true love, went bezerk on the Giants to the tune of 346 yards, 2 TDs, and another rushing score. That’s 640 points. Add in Ryan Mathews not being terrible (140 points thanks to a 20-yard TD) and Philip Rivers being terrible (285 on a heavily injured Cardinals D) and a comeback win was mine.
Matt did not take this well. At all. This was approximately what happened:
Haters gonna hate, alligators gonna alligate, potatoes gonna potate. All that matters is that I won a game for the first time since week 7 of last year. I’m celebrating with a cookie.
Philadelphia Panthers (1-0) def. Kansas City Killers (0-1) 1350-1255
Matt owes Andy Dalton money. Matt only won this game by a hundred points. Andy Dalton threw a 77-yard touchdown strike to AJ Green that sent him skyrocketing in score. Dalton finished with 510. It’s hard to match that. Other than that his team grossly underperformed. His terrifying-on-paper running back corps, Jamaal Charles and Eddie Lacy, combined for 100. Terrance West had 200. Do you know who West is? Me either, and that’s the point.
Further proving that Schlosser is a human black cat with regards to NFL players he ended Ray Rice’s career. Yes, because Dan selected Rice (someone had to) late in the draft he had to have something happen to him. The elevator video dropped, Rice was rightly fired and suspended from the league and (hopefully) his career is over. Meanwhile I am committing myself to never setting foot in Kansas City.
Houston Extreme (1-0) def. Pittsburgh Spikes (0-1) 1750-1230
You know, there are nicer ways to say “screw you.” Wow. Eric led the league in scoring by a mile this week. This was because Colin Kaepernick torched the Cowboys to the tune of 295 points. But wait, there’s more. Julius Thomas, the biggest reach of our draft (top 22 pick), ended up all but four wide receivers in the league. Oh, and Eric had the #1 wideout, Calvin Johnson, who reminded us that he is not a man to play games with, putting up 465. For the record, Stafford and Calvin had a combined 1105 this week. They could have, in theory, beaten a few teams by themselves alone.
Meanwhile Gronsky has the utmost desire to kneecap Tony Romo with a softball bat. Three interceptions, at home, against the 49ers had the gunslinger struggling all afternoon long. Nothing hurts more than benching a monster game, which happened when Romo’s backup, Ben Roethlisberger, threw a 420 game. The good news for Gronsky is that he would have still lost by three hundred even if he switched. The Spikes hit bad luck and have a lot of things to look forward to – mainly benching Romo and Seattle’s running game. Eric, on the other hand, gets to travel to Waverly this week. Gulp.
Minnesota Buzzsaws (1-0) def. Chicago Hitmen (0-1) 1255-955
Jason’s team really didn’t show up fully formed this week. Outside of Russel Wilson, who finished with 300, he had underperformance after underperformance from Adrian Peterson to Victor Cruz to Larry Fitzgerald. He didn’t even crack 1000.
Okay, now that I’ve covered the game a bit let’s all watch the video of Antonio Brown crane kicking the dude again.
Antonio Brown for XFL MVP 2014.
Washington Senators (1-0) def. New Orleans Tigers (0-1) 1250-880
Cary won a game with the starting running backs of Ben Tate and Pierre Thomas. Read that again. Now punch a pillow. There we go. Thanks to Andrew Luck’s magic, also known as putting up an almost incredible comeback and having 565 points, Cary was able to knock off the defending champion of the XFL.
Meanwhile Papa Bruzzano started Matt Cassel. His other option was Derek Carr. He originally drafted Josh McCown as his starter. This might be a long year down south.
Seattle Rage (1-0) def. Las Vegas High Rollers (0-1) 1415-1310
A good ol’ fashioned shootout! Flacco 510 over Foles 500. Le’Veon Bell going nuts for 385. Darren Sproles outscoring LeSean McCoy with 270. Punches thrown. Feelings hurt. Things said. Ice cream eaten. In the end it was the Rage by a 100 point margin. This is doubly impressive given that Greg was starting his backup as Cam Newton was out. Gotta like that as a good sign.
Meanwhile there is concern in Vegas about the young running backs ready to take lion’s share of the runs. Bishop Sankey and Toby Gerhart are gambles. They did not pay off Sunday. If they don’t then things are going to be rough. At least Bell is a monster.
Miami Typhoons (1-0) def. Denver Blaze (0-1) 1445-1280
Raise your hand if you had Matt Ryan leading the league with 755 points. Now put your hands do… oh, no one? Yeah that’s more like it. Thanks to the incredible game between the Falcons and Saints to kick off Sunday’s slate and the fact it went to overtime after some crazy passes Matty Ice had himself a day to remember. Ryan also contributed over 50% of the final score for the Typhoons. Denver happened to walk into an absolute storm here.
Meanwhile things look pretty good on the Denver side of things. Even in a loss they got 390 from Peyton. They also had every player except for Stephen Gostkowski finish with 100 or more points, and Gostkowski had 90. That is a rare level of consistency. Every other team tends to have a few huge games (Miami) supplemented by smaller numbers (Miami’s Trent Richardson). Denver got good numbers out of everyone. Now they just need to capitalize.
Oklahoma City Lions (1-0) def. New York Titans (0-1) 1320-815
The first pick of our draft was Drew Brees. Brees has gained a reputation as a magic man in our league. It is damn near impossible to do poorly with him behind center. Brees took my team to a 10-3 record and a championship appearance in 2010. Sunday proved more of the same when Brees donned a Lions jersey for the first time. He put up 430 against the Falcons in a previously mentioned amazing game. A shockingly good game by DeMarco Murray, 295 points, helped make the Lions look better than they did at any point last season.
Chase happened to have abysmal luck. Aaron Rodgers drew the short straw and was left to attempt to pass on the Legion of Boom in Seattle. Rodgers, who averages around if not over 300, had 190. Then Doug Martin, previously a fantasy monster, had the most perplexing game I’ve ever seen. This guy was a legitimate RB1 choice for our league. He had 9 rushes for 9 yards. Because he reached neither minimum for carriers or yardage, he had 0. Nothing. I still cannot believe it. This week should be better – Rodgers is out of Seattle, Martin will actually not suck, Cecil Shorts returns. Hopefully Chase’s squad picks it up next week.
It’s a beautiful time of year when the XFL is back in full swing. And yes, I am just saying that because I won this week. No shame.
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