Let’s Paintball

By: Connor Lenahan

Yesterday’s lecture for my “History of Television” class brought about the greatest homework I have ever been given in my lifetime of schooling. I was asked to watch Communty‘s trio of episodes revolving around playing paintball on campus. That’s right, I was actually responsible for viewing “Modern Warfare,” “A Fistful of Paintballs,” and “For a Few Paintballs More.” Out of excitement I finally did my homework for once and watched all three.

I then had a realization that many of my friends probably have as well: How incredible would paintball assassin be on Boston University’s campus?

For those unfamiliar: the BU campus stretches over about two and a half miles of Commonwealth Ave. Unlike the campuses of my family and friends like Syracuse and Penn State, there is only city. It genuinely is a straight line and is almost entirely contained to this one road. With so much space and so many buildings this could allow for an incredible competition “Survival of the Fittest” style to see who can avoid the spheres of paint the longest. Knowing how goofily competitive and creative my friends are this would be far and away the most intense challenge of our lives. If we were able to totally break the rules of the universe – I’m talking shutting down Commonwealth Ave and putting a barrier around what is the agreed upon zone of competition – then this would immediately qualify as the greatest thing that would ever be televised. You’re damn right I’m hypothetically selling the rights to this madhouse to FOX.

This would immediately turn into a colorful bit of craziness that would eventually leave the campus looking much like an episode of The Walking Dead. I would be glued to my television to watch all of it if I were not going to win the competition outright. Oh what’s that? You thought I was going to lose? Not a chance, I’m walking out victorious. Well, wheeling out, but, you know, semantics.

There are big reasons to bet against me in a game of paintball assassins: I cannot move sideways, I can’t run, I’m literally a sitting target, I’d totally lose within the opening hour, etc. But then again I have an ace up my sleeve: “Are you really going to shoot a kid in a wheelchair?” Then I shoot them in the belly and take their ammo. Gotta use your head out there man. This is paintball. This means war.

My dad told me years ago about how, once upon a time at the University of Scranton, they played a gargantuan game of assassin in the classic format – you are assigned a person to eliminate, as is everyone else, and the last person left standing wins (obvious ground rules for when a person is eligible to be knocked out of the game such as “no knocking them out during a midterm exam” apply, sadly). Ever since then I have been fascinated by not only playing a game of this magnitude but overseeing it as well. Throwing in the hilarious, insane, awesome caveat that instead of pencils and tape there are paintball guns and FOX cameras everywhere brings me nothing but joy.

So, who’s game?