Cookie Core

By: Connor Lenahan

You see this? This up here? This is how we are treating 2015. We are two weeks into this new calendar than your grandparents got you and it’s already better than the last one. No it’s not just because this one has cute kitties on it, it’s because Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream just proved once again that they may be the greatest company in the United States.

I take that back, they are. They might be the best company in the world. Wait, that says “Peanut Buttah Cookie Core?”

Best company in the world.

Here’s what you need to know. Ben & Jerry’s released their “Core” ice creams last year. For those unfamiliar with the delicious treat there were columns of filling – caramel, jam, and fudge – in the center of every pint. This made every pint into a sundae more or less. This also brought tears to the eyes of many for how gloriously beautiful an invention it was. Wait, that was just me? I don’t care, it was that scrumptious.

But today Ben and Jerry walked out like the pimps they are and dropped the mic on everyone and everything.

So now you will be able to buy three flavors of Cookie Core. Don’t fret about your choice, all come with happiness and world peace included. Here are the descriptions from the dairy masterminds themselves:

“Peanut Buttah: Peanut Butter Ice Cream with Crunchy Peanut Butter Sugar Bits, Peanut Butter Cookies & a Peanut Butter Cookie Core – For p.b. fans & cookie spread-heads who want it all, here’s a flavor that delivers it, from the creamy to the crunchy to the peanutty core of crushed-cookie stuff that spreads like buttah (and tastes even bettah).

Spectacular Speculoos™: Dark Caramel & Vanilla Ice Creams with Speculoos Cookies & a Speculoos Cookie Butter Core – To feed your fascination for that spectacular crushed-cookie spread with the funny-looking name, you could tease into the cinnamony-spiced speculoos cookies first, or spoon-dive directly into the cookified core of speculoos cookie butter.

Boom Chocolatta™: Mocha & Caramel Ice Creams with Chocolate Cookies, Fudge Flakes & a Chocolate Cookie Core – As you slam dunk your spoon through creamy mocha & caramel to celebrate the epic chocolate cookie-spread core, your technique may not be perfect, but the victory’s perfectly delicious.”

I’m not sure if you can legally marry a pint of ice cream – much less three – but I’m going to try. Words cannot even do justice to how excited I am for the Peanut Butter flavor. I’d try, but it would be the typed equivalent to excited screaming. Look, I don’t even know what the hell a “Speculoo” is, but I want a lot of them and I want them right now. Also, when I inevitably die saving the President from a potentially-fatal trolley car accident please tell Boom Chocolatta and our son Chip that I love them.

It has been dawning on me as I write this that I live less than a quarter mile from a grocery store that may in fact have these flavors on hand. So I’m going to go do that. Right now. I advise you do the same.