Have You Tried This “Coffee” Thing?

By: Connor Lenahan

Ladies and gentlemen, I have discovered something today that may very well change your lives. It’s a radical, unheard of concoction that gives you strength and energy previously thought to be impossible after certain exhaustion. Colors become sharper, music more pleasing, headaches disappear, and mood brighten. Friends, you need to try this coffee thing. It’s coffee, right? I’m spelling this correctly?

For years the same people that crazily believe in witch-magic portions of our society were believers in “coffee” as well. While they’d preach their insane gospel about “car insurance” or “eating vegetables” we all would tune out before returning to our uninsured pickup trucks to eat hearty steaks like real Americans. However, after receiving a coffee essentially by mistake today, and only consuming it as an act of politeness, my life changed.

Having never been a regular coffee consumer, seeing as I am a normal person, I thought that the entire process would be a learning experience. It would confirm my suspicions that my friends and family, patrons of the crackpot shops like Star Bucks and Dunking Doughnuts, were all mad – mad I tell you.

Then came the sips upon sips of the coffee that had been handed to me. Suddenly everything started to change. My eyes became less droopy. I began to move at normal speed. Suddenly I didn’t want to be asleep every single second I was at work. By God I even felt awake before noon.

My friends, you need to believe me that I have not lost my ways. Surely I have not fallen into madness. Never could such a thing happen – my friends from Sesame Street assured me that this morning. Rather, I have seen the light. You should as well.

So come with me, come and join the newest fad that our country has found. Come and see that what we thought was crazy really may have been revolutionary.

Damn, this is some tasty coffee. Can I get another?