The Real Heisman Winner

Dec. 10, 2011 - New York, NY, USA - The Heisman Trophy is on display onstage after quarterback Robert Griffin III of Baylor University holds a press conference after winning the award at The New York Marriott Marquis. (Credit Image: © Mark Makela/ZUMAPRES

By: Connor Lenahan

As I write this I am listening to Alabama RB Derrick Henry give his victory speech for the 2015 Heisman Trophy. This is all well and good, except for the minor fact that this is the worst tragedy in human history. Derrick Henry had a decent season, yeah, sure, but that doesn’t account for the fact that the winner of the Heisman Trophy for 2015 in Richard Connor Lenahan.

For the Boston University Terriers (in NCAA Football 14 on my Xbox 360) the junior gunslinger Lenahan led the Terriers to their third straight undefeated national championship. I ended up passing for over 5,000 yards, rushing for nearly 1,500, and scoring no less than 60 total touchdowns. Oh, and did I mention my third straight (fictional) national title?

Derrick Henry had a good year, beating the SEC record for rushing set by some scrub named Herschel Walker. Meanwhile I reset records set by literally every player in history. I even returned kicks for the Terriers, top that world.

Keep on talking and taking my spotlight, Derrick, if that is your real name. Next year let’s see which one is a millionaire NFL franchise player and which one is writing a dorm room blog while drinking his third hot chocolate of the night.