The Greatest Commercial Ever
By: Connor Lenahan
It has recently come to my attention thanks to the glory that is the internet that Costco will soon be selling enormous teddy bears to the public. How enormous you ask? Obscenely large. 93 inch large. That’s a 7’8″ teddy bear. That teddy is taller than Shaquille O’Neal by half a foot. It’s ginormous and cuddly and I want one. They cost $180 dollars that I am more than willing to pay to have one of these in my room. I mean, think of all the things you can do with it. Think of all the love. Think of the cuddles. Even better, Costco has put together a beautiful, amazing commercial about why you, yes you, should own one.
Just look at how big this thing is. Look how adorably dopey it is sitting for afternoon tea. It’s the cutest blackout drunk in existence. I want to hug it so bad.
Wait you’re telling me I can swan dive into it? I can fall peacefully into the tummy of my new best bear friend? They might not be charging enough for this thing.
WHY HAVE I NOT BEEN TRAVELING LIKE THIS FOR YEARS? THE WHEELCHAIR WAS A GLORIOUS OVERSIGHT. THIS IS THE HEIGHT OF LUXURY.
“Uhh I think we should stop now I’m kinda dizzy. I’m gonna go fall in that shrub.”
“Hit me with pillows! It’s okay, fluffy is friendly.” Seriously can I buy 13?
I’m officially dead. This is my new roommate next year. I will pay his tuition. Lord Huggington, women’s studies major.
This is in no way doctored. This bear is the greatest thing to ever happen to our society.
“But Mom I don’t wanna go to the hospital cause it’s s-s-scary.” No I’m not crying right now, why do you ask?
Wait but what hospital elevator has mood lighting?
Time to go make some kid’s life perfect.
Mission accomplished immediately.
Wait. No. NO. NO WAY.
WHAT IS RUSSELL WILSON DOING HERE? WHY IS THE QUARTERBACK OF THE SUPER BOWL CHAMPION SEATTLE SEAHAWKS HERE? HIS THUNDER WAS JUST STOLEN BY A TEDDY BEAR. LORD HUGGINGTON A BILLION RUSSELL WILSON ZERO.
Not only does he get upstaged by the Teddy but the girl picks Lord Huggington OVER WILSON. The main girl just traded the bear for Russel Wilson. So you’re telling every team in the NFL that Russell Wilson is available in return for a stuffed animal that dwarves every other player in the league? This is insane. This is perfect. This is my everything. This is the greatest commercial in history. Give me every single bear that they have made. I love this country.